For me choosing a religious order to join with would be like choosing a school or a university where you would like to continue your study. There are obviously a lot of choices (inside or outside your country), offering good possibilities and guaranteeing a great future. But you can only choose one with all its entailed consequences. By nature, we will choose whatever is best and suitable for us according to what and who we are. And so I did.

I have always wanted to join an order which is more drawn to prayer life. The Church calls it the ‘contemplative life’. My search for ‘the best place’ to serve the Lord was not that easy. As the world demands, I too have to live a normal life as other young people do: study well, get a degree, find a job, and get a life! Nevertheless, I didn’t feel peaceful. I know that the Lord is calling me and I do have the desire to respond to that call, but the choices which are opened to me seemed not right. I crossed out my choices one at a time until I realized that I have no choice at all. My list of choices at that time was still in the scope of my own country. I did not dare to think about going abroad. I was not confident with who I am and all my abilities; afraid of the challenges that awaited me if I dared to make that step. My conclusion was “I had nowhere to go. So why bother?” Still, I heard the Lord calling me: “How long should I wait?” I longed for a meaningful life. Giving up my life for the Lord seemed to be the best way, yet I couldn’t see any way to do so. The worse thing was feeling that God was just too busy to hear my prayer. He was there with me surely, but he did not care.  I was totally uncertain about my life. I doubted if God really wanted me to be a contemplative nun.

(to be continued in part 3)